So for the last week I'm had this "feeling". It defies specific description. It feels to me like things are going bad. No one thing in particular, just things. Maybe all things. It's not quite dread, and it's not quite resignation. I've been thinking about it for several minutes now.

At first I thought it was like driving on slick ice, out of control and headed for a crash. But that's not quite it. First, there is no sense of panic, and while I do feel that it is unavoidable, I still believe I have some control, some part to play in it. Just that nothing I do can prevent it.

Kind of like a master chess game. When grandmasters play, there typically comes a point when the game is decided, but a casual observer can't see that one player is even in trouble. Both players know what will happen. Usually, the losing player will concede at that time. The way I feel now is kinda like I'm past that point when it's decided, but I haven't conceded (or can't).

I can actually trace it back to when it started. Trace it back to a single comment. Not a harsh or mean comment. Not said in ill will at all. But it shocked me and made me re-examine myself and most of what I do. I was hurt. Not by the comment itself, but by what the comment assumed. (For the record, the comment was not made by anyone reading this).

On the other hand, it's not all doom and gloom. It's more like a feeling like I haven't done my taxes, or my homework isn't done. Not life or death. It still important.

So I'm listening to a Rich Nathan Sermon and he mentions that safe sex isn't necessarily safe. He said that covering yourself in latex isn't a failsafe method of preventing the transmission of disease. What occurred to me is that there isn't yet a latex that can cover the heart and mind. The dangers of spiritual and emotional damage in extra-marital affairs are much greater than the fears of disease or unwanted pregnancy.

OK, segue into something completely different. I read other people's blogs, and they relate what's going on in there lives or observations about the weather or hopes and dreams for the future. I, on the other hand, (Why do I *always* wind up on the other hand?), delve into matters philosophic and spiritual, with a variable degree of insight. Is this alright? Do I bear to much of myself to the public?

So, last week I had lunch with our pastor at church. He recommended a couple of books to me, and even lent me his copies. Both are specific to the Vineyard moevment. The first is a biography of John Wimber, subtitled The Way It Was, and written by his wife after his death. I have to admit that I was quite apprehensive of this book. I didn't know much of John Wimber before I started the book. I know that he was a prefessional musician before joining the ministry, and that he was associated with the Righteous Brothers. I have heard that he was a very charismatic man (by that I mean possessiong a personal charisma, not a reference to charismatics) and that he lead the Vineyard Movement (some would say "was" the Vineyard movement) for many years.

Now, normal, this would set off warning bells in my head. If the defining characteristic of a church or group of churches is the personality of a charismatic leader, that church has a very unstable basis. Man is inheirently fallible. However, Wimber died 10 years ago, and the Vineyard is still here. Still, a biography of the man can feel to me like raising an idol.

So that was in the back of my mind as I started reading this book. My initial reaction is that no wife should write a biography of her husband; it is impossible to expect her to be impartial. In some ways it felt like a protestant canonization of the man. However, as I continued on, my impression changed. Instead of seeing a book raising this man up onto a pedestal, it appears to me to be more of a "lessons learned" resource and a history of how the Vineyard became the Vineyard. I have seeing things that Wimber did early on that are good ideas and things that I want to incorperate in our own practices. The first to jump out at me were a set of ground rules that a leadership small group set up. These seem to be pretty good, and something I'd like to include, in one way or another, in our own small group this summer. Here is an excerpt for the book:

One: No prayer requests for anyone else but yourself; you are here for you, not for someone else. Two: we are going to sing to God, not about him, and we are going to learn to worship, whatever that means. Three: different ones will share and no one will monopolize. Four: No bringing up church problems and no church criticism. Five: Let's leave our places and positions and trophies and badges at the door, and all come together on equal ground while God teaches us about himself.

Carol Wimber follows this up by saying that God cannot not show up. Now I'm of the opinion that that God can do whatever he wants to. However, I think the environment that these rules create is one in which God wants to show up. And that's always a good thing.

Saw 300 for a second time last night at the Imax. Wow! The term "pure adrenelin" is over used when describing movies, and actually doesn't apply here. This movie was 100% adrenelin and 100% testosterone. Yeah, that's rtight; that's 200%. There is that much movie.

Running update: As many people now know, I am running on a regular basis. It is my goal to run almost daily. I think I will give myself some flexibility by saying that I can take 2 nights a week off due to circumstance. I say "nights" because that is when I run; anytime between 10:00 PM and 1:00 AM. Also, I am alternating between running 1 mile and running 2 miles. I bought a stopwatch so I can pace myself. So far, I'm running the mile in about 8:00 and intentionally slowing down to about 10 minutes/mile when I run 2 miles.

I post this now in the hopes that in a year, I can look back on it and think "8 minute miles? I eat 8 minute miles for breakfast now." Of course, with my luck, I'll probably look back on it and think "What was I doing to my knees!!!"

So, my grand scheme, once I finished my audiobook while running, was to subscribe to the Renewing you Mind podcast (by RC Sproul) and listen to that while running. It made perfect sense, because to miss a day running would mean missing a broadcast, so there would be additional motivation to run daily. However, I have come to find that while there is, in deed, and Renewing your Mind podcast, it is not, like the radio broadcast, daily. Instead it is weekly. And worse, it is merely the Friday edition of the daily broadcast. Therefore, it only plays 1 out of every 5 programs in each series. Now, all of these daily broadcast can be heard streaming from the web, but that doesn't help me while running outside.

Therefore, I need to find another source of daily podcasts. If anyone has any ideas, I am open to suggestion.

One-Armed Wampa: The Lost Episode

So... Almost a week after forgetting what I had thought of in church, it came back to me. It wasn't a breakthrough in Cheese/Pasta technology as some people have hoped. It was, in fact, merely an interesting definition of a fairly common term. Here it's entirity ('cuz I'm writing it now) is that nascent post. WARNING: The following is post is rated Double Black Diamond in terms of Geek Content, but only a Blue Square for Technobabel.

Abstraction is a term that has been occupying my idle processor cycles for a while now. It occurred to me that there is not a single person, ever, who, if stranded on an island, but with unlimited natural resources, could build even a simple digital computer. There are people how can write applications by themselves. There are people who can write entire operating systems from scratch. There people how can assemble computers. Others can design processors. Others can build them. Some rare individuals can even do two or these things. But no one, anywhere, can do it all. And that doesn't even mention extracting the raw materials, refining them, and processing them into a usable format. Or generating the electricity, etc. etc. etc.

"So alot of people have to work together to build a computer. What's the big deal?" The big deal is that these people don't work together. Certainly not directly. And they don't have to. Each step of the process has a "finished product" that is handed off to the next level. For example, copper ore is processed and shaped into a long roll of copper wire. The processor and component manufactures don't need to worry about copper ore or how to extract copper; All they are concerned with is the properties of the copper that they are given. Taking that several steps up the ladder, the operating system programmers don't need to know how the processor is designed or manufactured. They just need to know what machine commands the processor is designed to respond to. Therefore, each step produces a "balck box", whose inner workings are not revelant to higher order processes. Each Black Box has a function, a set of acceptable inputs, and cooresponding outputs, and these are all that is important about them.

The reason this came to mind is that I am reading a book (actaully listening; see Snowcrash on my What I'm Reading list) that has a lot to do with hacking. The thought occurred to me "What is hacking?" What would the definition be. There was a time when I would have said that hacking is just using something in a way that it was not designed for. But that is simultaneously too broad and inaccurate. For example, I would not call it hacking to use a screw driver as a door stop. On the other hand, overclocking a processor to make it faster would definitely be hacking, but doesn't effect how it's used.

So, while on this search for a more precise definition of Hacking, the whole concept of abstraction came up. Combining the two, the answer is simple (and you, gentle reader, are probably 2 steps ahead of me already). Hacking is merely the practice of breaking into that lower-level Black Box and modifying it to suit your personal upper-level process needs or desires. It is, in essences, changing the rules of the game.

One thing that I will note: Yesterday was the best weather of the year so far. Sunny and warm with snowcover. I sat at the dining room table with the laptop, reading blogs and looking out the window. I look forward to sitting outside this summer on a hot afternoon with a cool drink and share various parts of my inner soul with whatever members of the world care to take notice.

So, yesterday in Church something occurred to me. It was some brillant realization or observation on the human condition. I considering telling my wife about it, but I thought "No, we're here in church, besides, I'll save it for my blog."

Well, here I am, and I've completely lost it. Whatever it was. I do know that it was sheer genius. Perhaps it was the cure for cancer. Or a plan to bring pease to the Middle East. Or a compromise that Senate Democrats and Republicans can all be happy with. Or perhaps even the precise process to get the perfect consistancy of sauce on Kraft Mac and Cheese. But whatever it was, it is now lost to the ages.

On a completely unrelated note, I am digging that new Toby Mac song that I heard on the radio, 'I was made to Love'. And yes, I do feel the haters spittin vapors on my dreams.

So these odd jottings have brought to mind something from years ago. I have a friend at church... Well, he is a friend now. Years ago when this happened, he was just an aquantance. This was probably 3 or 4 years ago, I would wager. This person, whose face I knew, but whose name I did not, handed me a half sheet of paper after service one Sunday. On this sheet of paper was a couple paragraphs. Just idle thoughts, ramblings, and reflections on God. Looking back, I realize now that he was dead-tree blogging. That is a thought that boggles my mind I don't think I ever told him how much I enjoyed reading those. I think I only saw two. I must remember to let him know that I recall those the next time I see him. I cannot remeber the content of either of them, but I do remember the sentiment. And it also helped me learn his name (I am notoriously bad with names, and this was a time when I could only name a little more than a half dozen people in the church, and I was related to most of them).

It was called Java with Jeff, I do beleive. Or something to that effect.

Looks like it's going to be a hard night's day.

Three hours sleep. Bad, bad thoughts running through my head before sleep blessfully came. The dog was trying to take my spot on the bed. And I get bad news from work even before I'm out of the shower.

On top of that, I think I need to make an appointment for a check-up. It's probably nothing, but for the past week, I've had this on-again-off-again pain in my chest, in the upper left. At first I thought it was just a pulled muscle, but it keeps recurring. And worse, I tend to notice it most when I'm under stress or hyped up on caffiene. I'm only 33. I'm too young to have heart problems.

On a lighter note: Observations on the bus ride in today-
Is there a less photogenic business owner on the face of the planet than Denny Hecker? Not that he is particularly ugly, but I just saw a picture of him on the side of the bus. The picture looks like one a photojournalist would have taken about 3 seconds after informing him that he is facing a Grand Jury indicment.

Also seen on the side of a bus: the text read "Toddlers are not born, they are raised." It was an ad for center providing resources for child care providers. The picture was a closeup on the face of a two or three year old girl. And she had earings on. Not, mind you, the cute clipons that some little girls use to play dressup. These were studs. There is no good reason to pierce a child's ears, or any other part of their body. Ear piercing and makeup are what older girls (like 12 or 13) should argue with their mothers about. If these things are given as toddlers (or even infants), what does the 12 year old girl rebel against? I am afraid of that answer.

Mileposts

So every now and again, each of us comes to a point on the road of life that affords us a veiw over the way that we have come. Nothing special about this point, just a chance to reflect on the distance covered and direction traveled.

So I encountered one of these points today. I filled in running Easy Worship for second service. Ever since High School, even before, I have always been more comfortable on the side lines, usually on the technical side. I suspect this is because, if I am"working", then I don't have to really get involved. But today, I realized that I regretted having to run Easy Worship. Running Easy Worship requires thinking ahead and having the next set of lyrics ready. This prevents getting into the worship at all. And I regretted that. Note: I am still happy to serve. But, I think in the past, service has been an excuse to keep things at arms length. But that is no longer the case.